Wow Elle!!!! This was a riveting essay.your writing is so cinematic I was with you on both harrowing journeys. “King Baby”needs to become a real part of our cultural lexicon. Xx k
I really enjoyed your article! While reading it, I am reminded of my own father and the scary situations he put us in, and then I remember why I don’t much like being around him.
As I was reading your harrowing tale, I, too, thought of Mel Hamlet, my father, my older brothers, my husband, and my eldest son. Why does it have to be this way? Women are built for survival, but why should we always have to survive the men in our lives?
Startling and chaotic to read. It must have been crazy to live it. ❤️
Your words made me realize how crazy so many of our “adventures” were, how cruel my dad was about things we didn’t even realize were nuts. (We weren’t allowed, lol.)
I sincerely think (now) that we deserved to know a taste of what he’d been through in the Korean War and his childhood during the Depression.
The damage shows now and my mom just endured it (and I think that is what killed her).
I don’t know how she did it. I swore I would not follow in her footsteps and made it pretty far until I made a mistake and got married to the wrong person (in order the have the right kid).
My children (thank the universe I did not marry the first SD), are my light but they also hold trauma from my protection of them and vigilence, etc.
Still learning and still protecting. Biding my time to get out safely.
As a young, closeted lesbian I dated an ex-marine that always wanted to display this kind of bravado and I had to keep up… and when I did the next challenge had to be bigger and more dangerous.
I can certainly imagine how your mom ended up in a relationship with your dad. I am lucky that I lived to get a little older, came to my senses and out of my closet…
I never feel the urge to brag about these “adventures” because they were absolutely idiotic and I am honestly embarrassed, but your story made me want to share. Thank you.
This is a stunning piece, thank you for sharing and zooming out to the larger patterns of behavior. As I was reading I was wondering if ADHD was at play- the dopamine seeking, the emotional meltdown, the shame spiraling. But the patriarchal conditioning brings in the entitlement, power, and danger. The line about being conditioned to follow confident males was super poignant. So much to think about.
Read the whole thing shallow breathing. So gripping. I grew up with a King Baby father so it was like reading a forgotten episode of my own life. How sorry I was for my excellent mother to have shackled herself to such an unworthy man, the kind who would thrash our poor little cat for drinking from the toilet (that he left open), who would fritter away every dime he earned on expensive toys and pastimes for himself, who every day screamed obscenities at (quiet, bookish, obedient) me. If there is a God he owes us an explanation and reparations.
Thank you for putting into words so much of how I felt in my marriage. A buffer between my husband who was quick to rage and my kids. I can especially relate to the burden on your mother’s body of holding everything together and trying to keep situations safe and calm. It took immense strength I can still feel 35 years later. On a family camping trip it was raining and getting dark and he got more and more angry as we tried to find a spot to camp. Finally he stopped the car ordered me and my one year old out and drove off home leaving us standing on the side of the road in the dark until my mother came and picked us up. I was lucky my family helped me to protect my kids. We would sing and make light of the situations as much as we could. My daughter stopped wetting the bed the week after we broke up.
Thank you for this comment, I feel we don't talk enough about the cost on both women and children, of house-holding with rageful, entitled men. Even if it doesn't rise to the level of explicit abuse, it mars all of our lives in quieter ways.
I have stories from my dad and exes but one of the scariest was an ex (a grown man of 40 at the time) I went canoeing with. We had just gone through a small rapid but a much bigger one was ahead. He was in the back, steering and also was much heavier than me, so there was little I could do when instead of looking forward, he was looking backwards while I screamed and shouted at the top of my lungs we were headed directly to a drop of and he didn't look forward until we smashed into the boulder. I nearly flew out the canoe and died right then, but managed to brace my self and prepare as the canoe tipped. I went over and was washed like a rag in a washing machine at the bottom of the falls to the point I didn't know which way was up.
The only gratifying part is that some other men were standing on the bank and helped and then when he tried to blame me the gave him a severe lecture on how it was all his fault and he had endangered me with his negligence.
Just the other evening I watched a young couple on Lime bikes (the electric for hire ones) where he was leading the way, going up a one-way residential street the wrong way. She wasn't confident, was saying it's my first time, slow down. She almost ran into a taxi and was shaken and rather than stopping he was egging her on 'come on, you'll be fine'. I wished I'd had the presence of mind to shout out the window 'it's Alpine divorce - ditch him'.
Thank you for this comment, so many of us override our own ability to risk-manage and instead follow the 'egging on' of reckless, testorone-addled men.
This is one of the best-written pieces I've ever read on here. I'd love to read a full book like this if you're inclined to write one - part lived experience, part social critique.
Wow. Terrifying experiences and stubborn survival made for a great, but sad, read
Thank you for sharing your stories along with the context and explanations of how other women have handled men damaged as your dad seemed.
An astonishing read, not just for the events, but for the writing and the unflinching analysis. ❤️
Riveting is right. This essay was so honest. And scary.
Wow Elle!!!! This was a riveting essay.your writing is so cinematic I was with you on both harrowing journeys. “King Baby”needs to become a real part of our cultural lexicon. Xx k
I really enjoyed your article! While reading it, I am reminded of my own father and the scary situations he put us in, and then I remember why I don’t much like being around him.
As I was reading your harrowing tale, I, too, thought of Mel Hamlet, my father, my older brothers, my husband, and my eldest son. Why does it have to be this way? Women are built for survival, but why should we always have to survive the men in our lives?
That is also what I ask myself.
Startling and chaotic to read. It must have been crazy to live it. ❤️
Your words made me realize how crazy so many of our “adventures” were, how cruel my dad was about things we didn’t even realize were nuts. (We weren’t allowed, lol.)
I sincerely think (now) that we deserved to know a taste of what he’d been through in the Korean War and his childhood during the Depression.
The damage shows now and my mom just endured it (and I think that is what killed her).
I don’t know how she did it. I swore I would not follow in her footsteps and made it pretty far until I made a mistake and got married to the wrong person (in order the have the right kid).
My children (thank the universe I did not marry the first SD), are my light but they also hold trauma from my protection of them and vigilence, etc.
Still learning and still protecting. Biding my time to get out safely.
Thank you so much for an amazing piece❣️
Thank you for reading and it's so gratifying to hear you relate to the story with your own reflections.
As a young, closeted lesbian I dated an ex-marine that always wanted to display this kind of bravado and I had to keep up… and when I did the next challenge had to be bigger and more dangerous.
I can certainly imagine how your mom ended up in a relationship with your dad. I am lucky that I lived to get a little older, came to my senses and out of my closet…
I never feel the urge to brag about these “adventures” because they were absolutely idiotic and I am honestly embarrassed, but your story made me want to share. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing, and yes I think especially when we are young, we're more susceptible to just go along with the "adventures".
I’m so glad your mother found the courage to divorce. I hope she got some years of peace and happiness before she passed.
Thank you, my mother did thrive once she was able to take charge of her own life.
That’s wonderful to hear!
This is a stunning piece, thank you for sharing and zooming out to the larger patterns of behavior. As I was reading I was wondering if ADHD was at play- the dopamine seeking, the emotional meltdown, the shame spiraling. But the patriarchal conditioning brings in the entitlement, power, and danger. The line about being conditioned to follow confident males was super poignant. So much to think about.
Thank you, I love that my story spurred these different lines of thought.
Read the whole thing shallow breathing. So gripping. I grew up with a King Baby father so it was like reading a forgotten episode of my own life. How sorry I was for my excellent mother to have shackled herself to such an unworthy man, the kind who would thrash our poor little cat for drinking from the toilet (that he left open), who would fritter away every dime he earned on expensive toys and pastimes for himself, who every day screamed obscenities at (quiet, bookish, obedient) me. If there is a God he owes us an explanation and reparations.
Thank you, yes, I see that this story triggers memories for those who have had similar men in their lives.
Thank you for putting into words so much of how I felt in my marriage. A buffer between my husband who was quick to rage and my kids. I can especially relate to the burden on your mother’s body of holding everything together and trying to keep situations safe and calm. It took immense strength I can still feel 35 years later. On a family camping trip it was raining and getting dark and he got more and more angry as we tried to find a spot to camp. Finally he stopped the car ordered me and my one year old out and drove off home leaving us standing on the side of the road in the dark until my mother came and picked us up. I was lucky my family helped me to protect my kids. We would sing and make light of the situations as much as we could. My daughter stopped wetting the bed the week after we broke up.
Thank you for this comment, I feel we don't talk enough about the cost on both women and children, of house-holding with rageful, entitled men. Even if it doesn't rise to the level of explicit abuse, it mars all of our lives in quieter ways.
I have stories from my dad and exes but one of the scariest was an ex (a grown man of 40 at the time) I went canoeing with. We had just gone through a small rapid but a much bigger one was ahead. He was in the back, steering and also was much heavier than me, so there was little I could do when instead of looking forward, he was looking backwards while I screamed and shouted at the top of my lungs we were headed directly to a drop of and he didn't look forward until we smashed into the boulder. I nearly flew out the canoe and died right then, but managed to brace my self and prepare as the canoe tipped. I went over and was washed like a rag in a washing machine at the bottom of the falls to the point I didn't know which way was up.
The only gratifying part is that some other men were standing on the bank and helped and then when he tried to blame me the gave him a severe lecture on how it was all his fault and he had endangered me with his negligence.
Horrific close call for you, but also interesting to observe that it was other men who checked him while he refused to regard your safety.
Oh Elle. You are strong.
Thank you!
Just the other evening I watched a young couple on Lime bikes (the electric for hire ones) where he was leading the way, going up a one-way residential street the wrong way. She wasn't confident, was saying it's my first time, slow down. She almost ran into a taxi and was shaken and rather than stopping he was egging her on 'come on, you'll be fine'. I wished I'd had the presence of mind to shout out the window 'it's Alpine divorce - ditch him'.
Thank you for this comment, so many of us override our own ability to risk-manage and instead follow the 'egging on' of reckless, testorone-addled men.
This is one of the best-written pieces I've ever read on here. I'd love to read a full book like this if you're inclined to write one - part lived experience, part social critique.
Thank you!